Battle Scars

These battlescars
don’t look like they’re fading
don’t look like they’re
ever going away
they aint never gonna change

I love music. I love lyrics that speak to me.  I learned a little too late that I need to find time for “me”.  I spend the majority of my time at work as SSgt Potts or at home being wife/mom, that I forget to be Danielle.  My respite has turned into my drive to and from work.  I play music, loud, I sing off-key.  Sometimes I listen to the same song the entire trip.  The drive to work is where I psych myself up and prepare for the inevitable “what crap am I walking into?” moment.  The drive home is where I wind myself down from the toils of labor.  Tonight’s song of choice happened to be the song “Battle Scars” by Lupe Fiasco.  The song is about the pains of love, but I found that certain lyrics seemed to resonate with my current work situation.

But when you’re trying to beat the odds up
and trying to keep your nods up
and you know that you should know
and let it go but the fear of the unknown

I’ve been considering getting off Active Duty. Toying with the idea of going Reserve or Air National Guard. I keep telling myself to make an appointment with the career advisor. What if he could find me another job that suits me better?  After Tom and I got married and Joseph was born, I told myself I would do this as long as I felt it was best for my family. Financially, it is the best thing. Benefit wise, it is the best thing.  For my sanity and well-being, probably not the best thing. Have I made the appointment with the advisor? No, I have not.  Why? Probably because I haven’t embraced the couger in my car (Talladega Nights reference, for the movie lovers) and learned to ride with the fear.  I’ve allowed my comfort zone to overpower my sense and judgement.  I know work is work and you’re not really supposed to enjoy it, or so they say, but I find that to be kind of bull. You should get some sense of enjoyment out of something you spend so much of your life devoted to.  So what’s stopping me? The damn fear of “what happens next?”, that’s what.

Cos i’m the only one that’s trying to keep us together
when all of the signs
say that i should forget

All signs point to the exit door.  It really is time for me to start making plans for the future.  My relationship with my husband and son depends on it.  I have some great looking boys, that’s for sure.  They are totally worth it. I don’t know what the next step for us will be, but I know whatever it is, we’ll do it together.

Song lyrics are from “Battle Scars” by Lupe Fiasco/Guy Sebastian. No plagerism intended.

Photo shot with Camera+ for iPhone

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