It has been quite awhile since I have posted. A month, to be exact. Things have been…what’s the word..stressful, spirit breaking, a big ‘ole bummer? Those seem to be appropriate choices of vernacular for the past 30 days.
Look in the mirror and stare at myself
and wonder if that’s really me on the shelf
I hit a low point. Not the kind of low where I would consider harming myself or my loved ones, before anyone asks. More like the kind of low where you don’t think your self esteem can be stepped on like an ant on the sidewalk anymore than it already has. There were some tear filled rides home singing sad songs at the top of my lungs. After much self reflection, I have come to embrace the ideal that the Five Stages of Grief can be applied to many situations in ones life, not just death. We go through the full gauntlet of emotions to help us cope, to help us understand, to find some kind of faith, and to ultimately come to the realization that things will be ok eventually.
Denial: I don’t want to believe there are people in the world that have such a direct impact on people’s lives and careers who can handle this power so callously. Surely they must realize the damage they can inflict. It’s not possible that I could feel like I am not a valued member of this Air Force.
Anger: Crossing from denial into anger turned into telling myself, “screw this place.” If people don’t give a crap about my work, I will spend the next three years of my life doing the bare minimum. It seems to work for everyone else. I won’t take any of my concerns to my superiors, because my big green rage-monster is telling me, if they didn’t treat me like crap, I wouldn’t feel like this. I want to smash this place to pieces..on a good day.
Bargaining: If I can just suck it up, something good has to come along, right? Someone, somewhere, owes me. If they pay up, I won’t complain, and maybe I will stay in the Air Force. If I am never made to feel this way again, I will work just that much harder, I will be better, do better, whatever it takes.
Depression: I must have done something in my life, wronged someone, to be treated this way. This is the point where I don’t think I could get much lower. It’s the dark place, the place my work related Cycle of Grief seems to spend most of its time stuck in. It’s the hardest place to come back from. It turns me ugly, on the inside, and it makes me want to fight.
Acceptance: Finally, we come to the last stage. Although this is the Acceptance Stage, getting here, embracing what it truly means to accept, is probably the most difficult part of the process. I don’t want to accept the fact that some people just suck. There are bosses who, no matter what you do, will never be pleased. Part of acceptance is learning to deal with different people’s personalities, and just because they may talk to me like I suck, degrade my work, treat me like a child, whatever, I have the power to control my emotions. I don’t have to allow them to make me feel this way and I can choose to smile, find my happy place ( you know, the one where you look at the person, smile, nod, and pretend to full hear the word garbage they spew, but really you are thinking about puppies and unicorns and ice cream) and move on. Just…move on. I have a lot to offer, and a lot to be thankful for. If people can’t accept me..then the aren’t worth the tears I’ve shed.
And each day I learn just a little bit more.
I don’t know why, but I do know what for
If we’re all going somewhere, let’s get there soon
Oh this song has no title, just words and a tune
There are no “photos of the day” for this post. I seem to have misplaced the adapter that allows me to plug my camera into my iPad. Bummer. I do have some exciting photography news though. Since my last post I have become the proud new owner of a Canon Rebel 300v (35 mm film slr), the Canon “nifty fifty” 50 mm f/1.8 lens..which fits on both my slr bodies, and a buttload of film. I am also negotiating my first portrait shoot. If it goes through, I will be sure to post all about it.
Song title/ lyrics are from This Song Has No Title by Elton John, from the Goodbye Yellow Brick Road album.
I have too much good in my life to let a crappy job swallow me whole.